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I Want to be Happy

I hate to write this but the feeling in my chest really kills me slowly. It’s gonna be a really long writing of nothing but me complaining so you might wanna skip this post.

But what the hey.

Let me tell you one thing: being alone sucks. It’s not about not having friends or not having anyone to talk to, but just a simple feeling of loneliness, neglected, and probably ignored.

Erase the “probably”.

I always feel alone all my life, and I don’t understand why. Maybe because something happened on my inner self way years back, maybe because I happen to have bad experience during my childhood and/or youth, or maybe because I’m nothing but a whiner, I don’t know, I can’t psychoanalyze myself.

I always have friends. I get along with people easily, I have a robust topic to talk about, and I believe I can manage to deal with any kind of people however they actually are. But that can’t help the fact that in time I always slither to the corner and curl like armadillo so no one bothers me. I wrote several poems, even stories, in the club. I opened my phone and type while everyone is busy getting wasted. I sip my drink silently and move to the background.

But I have a lot of friends. We discuss, talk about something or nothing during courses of time and I like them just the way I believe they like me.

Yet I always feel alone at the end of the day after we’re finished with the laughter.

My dad always told me to “never exaggerate your feeling”. Yes, I tried and it worked, but the small, non-exaggerated feeling is always there, lurking.

And it’s no one’s fault. My parents always try to make me happy, fulfill all my needs, my friends always try to be there when I ask them to, and my ex(es) always cope with this hell of moodswing and accept me the way I am.

I’m happy with that, I love every single person that came into my life and I appreciate them for being there.

Sadly, I can’t love me the way they do. There are times when I just blame myself for things that I did and keep doing.

And I envy people who can love themselves.

I envy people who can smile sincerely.

I envy those who are able to have their happiness on their own without depending it to someone else.

That is why I always keep people in my life, no matter how bad they treat me. I just need someone to depend to when I can’t hold on to those who are closest to me.

And I apologize for that.

Without me realizing it, I’m treating people as an object to depend on, not as human being with thoughts and feeling.

I really apologize for that, I have wronged so many people because of this and I abused so many people’s patience. I chained people to my life because I’m just too afraid of being left alone.

And that is wrong.

Right now I have to learn how to be happy, how to be self sufficient without depending it to anyone but myself.

Without holding on parents who love me so dearly.
Without holding on to God who’s been so kind giving me this life.
Without my friends who accept my weirdness as part of their peer.
Without my (now ex) girlfriend who I probably love more than everyone else in this world combined.

Right now I just want to know how to be happy and what it feels like to be actually happy.

Because I just don’t know how.

– M, September 2014

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