How to be A Man

To be a man is not about how to keep your manner.
Not about how much money you are making for your family.
Not about how many years have gone by in your life.

To be a man is to be responsible to ourselves
To accept that we are flawed
To admit that we make mistakes
To be brave to apologise

To put effort to fix all the fuck-ups that was done in the past
And never blame anyone but us

To be a man is to love, not to tie
To understand that sometimes our partner need times alone
To acknowledge that you never “own”.
To let her wander and hug her when she got “home”

To be a man is to nurture, not to order
To guide, not to point
To walk side by side and understand the meaning of “together”
To understand that no one is superior

You can be young and also be man
Just put your mind in the sky and your feet on the land

And make yourself happy as you wish everyone else should be

– March 2015

Surat Terakhir

Pantai ini masih sama, selalu sama. Aku menatap cakrawala hitam di kejauhan sambil menghisap rokok mentol dan membiarkan asap putih melayang lesu di udara, menyapu wajahku yang semakin lesu.

Ya, mungkin ini surat terakhir yang kutulis untukmu, cinta. Nampaknya kita sudah terpisah masa dan dinding maya yang menutupi mimpi yang pernah aku punya selama tahunan kita bersama. Perpisahan ini adalah salah satu perpisahan yang paling menyakitkan, membuatku kehilangan kewarasan, kehilangan kewajaran, dan terseret dalam pusaran emosi yang berlebih.

Aku mencintaimu dengan sepenuh hati, itu sesuatu yang aku rasa kita sama-sama mengerti. Tapi cinta ini ternyata tidak baik untuk aku dan untukmu, dan aku (terpaksa) harus mengerti.

Maka sudahlah cinta, aku rasa mungkin sudah sepantasnya kamu pergi, rumahmu bukan di sini.

Aku? Aku rasa kamu tidak peduli lagi denganku kini, namun bukankah cinta memang seharusnya tidak memaksa memiliki?

Aku selalu mendambakan kita menua bersama, aku mendambakan Jibril kecil di rahimmu di suatu waktu saat kita menyatu. Namun itu hanyalah mimpi yang kini berlalu bagai abu rokok yang melayang tertiup bayu di pantai ini.

Aku mendengar gemeletak suara bara yang membara tercumbu udara dari hisapan yang menyembunyikan desah asa dan bergulirnya air mata menanti pagi yang tak kunjung jua.

Ah cinta, kamu memang membuatku gila.

Entah besok, entah lusa, entah kapan mungkin aku akan sepenuhnya pergi dan lupa. Mungkin aku akan menerima apa yang kini ada atau apa yang sudah terjadi.

Sudahlah, memang mungkin saatnya aku tutup lembar yang ini.

Aku pergi.

9.11.2014

Kata-Kata

Tersebutlah sebuah kedai kopi ternama di sudut Jakarta, diwarnai pria dan wanita muda yang bercengkrama diiringi irama nada-nada musik bossanova. Setiap mereka nampak bahagia, tertawa, meski aku tahu di baliknya tersimpan sejuta rahasia kelam yang terkungkung bagaikan kotak Pandora.

Dan di antara merekalah aku duduk, menunduk menuliskan rangkaian kata-kata yang mungkin tidak berguna bagi sesiapa selain aku semata. Sebutlah aku Hamlet era modern, dengan sakit jiwa dan obsesi yang sama serta keterikatan yang terlalu nyata dengan dia sang pencabut nyawa.

Dengan ini aku berkata:
Lawanlah tirani yang membelenggu hati
Biarkan rasa itu membara menggelora
Karena pada akhirnya yang berarti adalah “kita”.

Aku merenggut kertas itu dari buku tulisku dan meremasnya menjadi gumpalan sebelum melemparnya ke keranjang sampah. Kata-kataku adalah senjata, dan saat mereka menjadi banal maka senjataku pun tidak lebih dari pisau tumpul.

Ah hidup, tidak ada yang lebih menyedihkan dari pujangga tanpa kata. Aku merasa bagai prajurit tua yang hanya bisa memoles popor senjata di penghujung kala sebelum senja tiba merenggut nafas dari tubuhnya yang renta. Mengingat masa-masa jaya saat dia menghormat kepada Sang Saka dengan bintang-bintang tersemat bangga di dadanya.

Namun semua itu fana.

Sefana seisi dunia yang tak lagi bermakna dilahap sang waktu yang perlahan namun pasti berlalu. Pada akhirnya lencana hanyalah lencana, bintang tanda jasa yang akan terlupa seiring masa, seperti aku dan kata-kata yang tertuang dari ujung pena.

Mungkin aku bukan Hamlet, aku adalah ayahnya, sang Raja Tua yang melayang menembus malam di antara tembok-tembok granit kastil Denmark, menolak melepas ikatan dengan dunia dan melangkah ke kehidupan selanjutnya.

Mungkin pula aku adalah Ophelia, yang terus berdoa kepada Santo Valentine di tepi jendela untuk menanti sang kekasih datang menjemput dan membawanya berkeliling dunia.

Tapi aku tersadar. Aku bukanlah mereka, aku hanyalah pria dengan kertas dan pena di pojok sebuah kedai kopi kelas menengah ternama yang dipenuhi pemudi dan pemuda yang bercengkerama.

– Agustus 2014

I Want to be Happy

I hate to write this but the feeling in my chest really kills me slowly. It’s gonna be a really long writing of nothing but me complaining so you might wanna skip this post.

But what the hey.

Let me tell you one thing: being alone sucks. It’s not about not having friends or not having anyone to talk to, but just a simple feeling of loneliness, neglected, and probably ignored.

Erase the “probably”.

I always feel alone all my life, and I don’t understand why. Maybe because something happened on my inner self way years back, maybe because I happen to have bad experience during my childhood and/or youth, or maybe because I’m nothing but a whiner, I don’t know, I can’t psychoanalyze myself.

I always have friends. I get along with people easily, I have a robust topic to talk about, and I believe I can manage to deal with any kind of people however they actually are. But that can’t help the fact that in time I always slither to the corner and curl like armadillo so no one bothers me. I wrote several poems, even stories, in the club. I opened my phone and type while everyone is busy getting wasted. I sip my drink silently and move to the background.

But I have a lot of friends. We discuss, talk about something or nothing during courses of time and I like them just the way I believe they like me.

Yet I always feel alone at the end of the day after we’re finished with the laughter.

My dad always told me to “never exaggerate your feeling”. Yes, I tried and it worked, but the small, non-exaggerated feeling is always there, lurking.

And it’s no one’s fault. My parents always try to make me happy, fulfill all my needs, my friends always try to be there when I ask them to, and my ex(es) always cope with this hell of moodswing and accept me the way I am.

I’m happy with that, I love every single person that came into my life and I appreciate them for being there.

Sadly, I can’t love me the way they do. There are times when I just blame myself for things that I did and keep doing.

And I envy people who can love themselves.

I envy people who can smile sincerely.

I envy those who are able to have their happiness on their own without depending it to someone else.

That is why I always keep people in my life, no matter how bad they treat me. I just need someone to depend to when I can’t hold on to those who are closest to me.

And I apologize for that.

Without me realizing it, I’m treating people as an object to depend on, not as human being with thoughts and feeling.

I really apologize for that, I have wronged so many people because of this and I abused so many people’s patience. I chained people to my life because I’m just too afraid of being left alone.

And that is wrong.

Right now I have to learn how to be happy, how to be self sufficient without depending it to anyone but myself.

Without holding on parents who love me so dearly.
Without holding on to God who’s been so kind giving me this life.
Without my friends who accept my weirdness as part of their peer.
Without my (now ex) girlfriend who I probably love more than everyone else in this world combined.

Right now I just want to know how to be happy and what it feels like to be actually happy.

Because I just don’t know how.

– M, September 2014

Ancol, 12:53

Langit hitam, laut hitam, cahaya lampu jalan di rerumputan
Kutatap utara, menghadap batas tanpa cakrawala
Dan aku pun berkata
Aku rindu kalian, cinta
Aku rindu sosok kalian yang selamanya maya
Karena kalian hanya ada di hembusan sang bayu yang mendayu memeluk biduk berayun seolah merajuk

Kukecup hampa dan kupeluk
Mataku redup mengantuk

Dan terbisik maaf di sela doa
Untuk janji yang gagal kujaga
Mungkin kalian kecewa, tapi kumohon tetaplah percaya
Suatu masa kita akan berjumpa

Entah di dunia yang fana
Atau saat aku menangis bahagia di surga

– Agustus 2014

Tidurlah, Sayang

tidurlah, sayang

biarkan mentari memanjati langit

biarkan burung-burung bernyanyi

biarkan mawar mekar, layu, kemudian mati

 

karena hatimu butuh berhenti

setelah lelah tahunan berlari

 

tidurlah, sayang

tidur yang nyenyak

karena detik akan terus berdetak

hari akan terus bergerak

dan lampumu perlu meredup

agar tetap bisa hidup

sampai saat buku ini perlu kau tutup

 

tidurlah, sayang

pesanku dari balik bayang

 

– Agustus 2013

a letter

Hello, Loves.

How are you guys? I know it’s kinda silly for me keep sending these anonymous letters, acting as if anyone would understand or you would read there but hey…

If I’m delusional, I’m delusional on loving you. And that’s something I can still be proud of, regarding all these and those.

I made this new tatt, I tried to combine you all on my right arm, in peace. Something I would NEVER be able to do EVUH.

But I digress.

I have something special for Mika this year. I fucked up when I made your tatt last time, t’was jageddy and not so… cool. Esp compared to Mao’s. So yeah, I bought this necklace as a silly gift I use meself, for reasons I actually have no idea what.

The fuck.

Yes, I’m drunk like a… drunk I was. I’m at an office party and everything is justifiable.

Or so I justify myself.

I love you, I love you, I love you.

I’ll kept on saying it til it lost its novelty.

I’m on the beach now, not the “beach” per se, but it’s still the same beach nevertheless…

And I miss y’all. I wish everything went better than it was, and nothing painful happened to neither of us.

Or at least just give all the hurt to me, I don’t mind.

But hey, how everything run today is just weird. I avoided the beach for a really long time and BOOM, here I am. Here I fucking am with all these stupid smiles on my face.

I’m sad, yet I’m happy. You’re not here in my arm, but I know deep in my heart there’s this unbreakable bond. Blood bond that will keep us all together somehow.

And when I cry tonight, I please don’t be sad.

Because you know what’s the tear is all about, and it’s definitely NOT sadness.

I’m running out of words.

I’m running out of booze.

I miss you, boys. I really do. And I know someday we all will be together, no matter how.